I didn’t want to do this. I really didn’t. I know I way over do it with the Bubba stuff. I’ve accepted the role as the Czar in the fight against The Fraud, and with this job comes great responsibility. At times, I get tired of making jokes at his expense, but he just keeps making it easier and easier. When he released the Bubba Claus video on Tuesday, I was in shock. I didn’t think humans were capable of such horror. But I was specifically called out by Shane Bacon to write this, and I have a duty to maintain.

If @NoLayingUp doesn’t write a 2,000 word breakdown of the Bubba-Santa video, I will be officially disappointed.

— Shane Bacon (@shanebacon) December 16, 2014

(*Deep Breath*)

Ebenezer Scrooge

The Grinch

Bubba Watson

These names will now forever be synonymous with ruining Christmas.

This video is the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I made it halfway through “Failure to Launch.” Upon my first viewing, I was literally cringing in embarrassment for Gerry, despite the fact that I can’t stand the fact that he even exists. It’s possible to make a video that is so bad that it’s actually funny. The Golf Boys videos, despite not being funny at all, at least kind of embrace this mentality. But Bubba Claus? What the actual hell is Bubba going for? No seriously, I’m asking, because I’m offended. Not by the content of the video, but by the fact that this passes for entertainment in our society.

I can’t tell if he’s trying to be funny, trying to praise God, trying to self-promote, trying to generate buzz, or trying to make our ears and eyes bleed. I’m assuming that this is tied to some charitable cause, because the only thing Bubba loves more than berating fans for breathing within 50 yards of him during a backswing is the public recognition he gets for loudly boasting about his giving. Perhaps the most disturbing part of this video was reading the comments under Bubba’s tweet. The plebieans LOVED it. They legitimately thought it was hilarious.

Don’t get me wrong. Bubba has a LOT of fans. As many as anyone not named Big Cat. These are the same people that buy into his public persona act, and don’t see Gerry for the stooge that he really is. We’re talking about a guy that claims to be an everyman, yet wears a $500,000 watch and stands as one of the least popular players in the PGA Tour locker room. But hey, he makes wacky videos on the internet, has a hovercraft, and hits it far! He’s a free spirit, you guys.

Damn you people, this is golf! Not a rock concert. Go back to your shanties.

Let’s go to the tape. (You’re damn right I’m breaking this down. Also, I hate myself for it. Damn you, Bacon.)

It starts with Bubba dressed as Santa, leading a duo of an elf and someone (I can only assume it’s Ted Scott) dressed in a Gumby outfit. They’re in a studio singing “Hallelujah” on repeat. I present Exhibit A in the case of the fraud committed by Gerry Lester Watson, Jr. Bubba, the boistrious Christian (that acts anything but Christian on the golf course), uses a song that translates to “Praise Ye Lord” in a video before cutting that song to get to his narcissitic, egotistical self-promotion. In this opening, he is so disgusted by the beautiful voices of the (fake) choir singing this classic song, that he must stop them, and go into a vomit inducing rap about absolutely nothing. Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ, is about to turn into the Bubba Watson show. For a man who once claimed that 2014 was “A year of rejoicing,” it turns into this:

I just touched down in my hovercraft

I bet you wanna know what’s in my bag

Is it golf clubs or a bag of toys

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the Bubba Claus

  • Richard Dietsch of Sports Illustrated loves to set the over/under of “me” or “I” references in a Skip Bayless column around 22.5 usually. Well get your counter ready, because we’re at 4 references, and that’s not even counting the 3rd person use of Bubba Claus. Remember, (I think) this is supposed to be about GIVING.
  • What was supposed to rhyme with Claus? Bag, or toys? What the actual hell is going on here?
  • I have absolutely no interest in knowing what’s in your bag.

I remember Christmas growing up in Bagdad,

Chillin in the living room with my dad,

Mama in the kitchen got food in the stove,

Sister in the living room playin on the flo’

  • Food IN the stove. That’s an actual lyric. Apparently you put food in the stove in Bagdad.
  • We’re on verse two, and I think we’ve officially already given up on any attempts at rhyming.
  • Apparently even though Bubba, his sister, and his dad are all in the same living room, only Bubba and his Dad are chillin.
  • There’s a cut to a shot of a sign that says “Hometown of Bubba Watson.” What are the odds that Bubba made Ted personally hang this sign? 1/100? And how badly do you think Bubba whipped Ted in the leg with the back end of his wedge for not putting his name in bold font?
@NoLayingUp The BubbaClause video is the worst thing ever to come out of Baghdad. #nailedit.

— Sarah Endacott (@sendacott) December 16, 2014

I used to hit the golf course take me a swing

Got my first clubs since boy was a teen

Kids in their room they can’t even go to sleep

Cuz they know I’m coming through puttin gifts under the tree

  • So we go from Bubba in his living room, to him now golfing, to something about him getting clubs, to kids sleeping, to…. him delivering presents? How is it possible that this video is getting worse. WHY AM I TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS!? Damn you, Bacon.

No sleigh, no beard, no reindeer

I might come deliver gifts on my John Deere

KD asked me to bring him a new ball

But I’m checkin my list it’s Bubba Claus

  • He rhymed deer with…. Deere. John Deere should be suing for defamation, libel, and conspiracy to commit fraud.
  • Bubba thinks he and Kevin Durant are friends because he gave Bubba a pair of shoes once (totally relevant to the song).

I gotta thank God, he’s the reason I made it

I thank him everyday for the moves that I make

Thank you baby Jesus, he was born in a manger

Because he knew when I was born, I was gonna be the savior

  • So we’re gonna go back to preaching now. Wait, did Gerry just say that HE is the savior!?

Thank you for my clothes and my shoes on my feet

Thank you for my kids and the food that we eat

Thank you for my wife and our house that we sleep

I wake up every day and put it on repeat.

At this point, you could honestly make the case that he actually just used a random word generator to make this thing. The biggest question I have is, what did Bubba do when he saw the final cut? Do you think he actually like, stacked some papers on the desk, filed them away, gave some high fives, and walked out like this?

Bacon, the blood is on your hands. You made me do this.