How to Act Like a Tour Pro: Part III

Published: 3/12/2014
By: Chris Solomon

Previous installments (you’ll want to read before continuing):

We’ve already taught you 30 ways to mimic you’re favorite tour pros, but we’re not close to being done. For some of these, you’re going to have to enlist the help of your playing partner in your 2 on 2 match. Ironically, he’ll be acting as your caddie, even though you’re the one doing the heavy lifting, carrying the team.

You’ve gotten your range sesh in with your alignment sticks, and you’ve done the tee drill on the putting green that has 3 holes cut, making it impossible for the other 50 plebeians to get any practice putts in. Your staff bag is latched onto the cart, and your ProV1’s are marked up. It’s time for #TourSauce Part III:

The Yardage Book

You’re on the tee for your 2:00 starting time (of course you’ve got a late tee time, you’re on the top of the leaderboard). You’re playing your local muni for approximately the 368th time, but you need to consult with your yardage book just to make sure that greenside bunker 412 yards away isn’t in your reach. You don’t actually even have to have a real yardage book, just use your scorecard. Make sure you wait until it’s your turn so everyone can see just how calculated you are with your approach.

The Lean

This is an easy one. You’ve struck your 8 iron towards the center of the green, maybe five yards right of the flag. But you’re a tour pro, so you think that you can direct the ball with a simple lean to the left. Don’t be afraid to throw in some color by talking to the ball. Any of the following will do: “Bite!”, “Cut!”, “Ugh, JASON!”, “One Yard, ONE YARD!”

The Putter Pass

Here’s where you’ll need your partner’s help (we’ll call him Joey). Despite your body contortion and your screaming that could be heard at the clubhouse, your 8 iron ended up 15 feet right of the flag. Green in reg, but this is routine for you. Your playing partner has to have your putter ready to pass to you, and you take it in stride on the way to the green while passing your 8 iron. Don’t worry about the cart, Joey’s got that.

The Tragedy

Your 15 footer lips out. You make it clear that you are the only person on the planet that has ever had a lip out. Your reaction is similar to what it would be if you found out your entire family was in a horrible accident. However, this is much worse. This is your livelihood.

The Ball Toss

You’re not done with your tantrum. There was likely a defect in the ball that caused that lip out, so chuck it as far as you can so everyone sees just how unusual a missed putt is for you. However, make sure you throw it toward the next tee box so you can retrieve it (ProV1’s ain’t cheap), just make sure no one sees you pick it back up.

(GIF courtesy of www.AdamSarson.com)

The “Rake”

You splash out of the greenside bunker. Joey is already in his pocket, so he volunteers to rake the bunker for you to get you moving. After all, you’ve been walking around in the bunker for several minutes studying the best angle to try to approach the green. On your way out of the trap, you “rake” the sand with your feet, which does absolutely nothing.

The “Caddie” Blame

Again, your playing partner is playing the role as caddie here. You briefly consulted him for your club choice for your approach, but you don’t even pretend to listen to his advice. You proceeded to chunk it in the water, but immediately blame your “caddie”. Make sure he, along with everyone within shouting range, knows that it was his fault you’ve gotta take a drop.

The Course’s Fault

You blade a wedge over the green at the 120 yard par 3 8th hole. It’s not your fault, and you know that, but you need to make it clear that everyone else knows that. You blame the firm turf, for you’re inability to compress the ball, and the extremely firm green that you airmailed completely. “How am I supposed to play on this!?”

The Weather Delay

You ignored the forecast on the weather channel in the pro shop, and now it’s starting to sprinkle. Your playing group is playing through the drizzle, but you refuse to continue. You place a call to the pro shop and get the assistant pro out to the furthest point on the course to bring you into the clubhouse and keep your clubs dry.

The Exaggeration

You make it back out on the course, but you need to make it clear that the conditions are basically unplayable. The only way to get the ball out of the slightly damp rough is to contort your body after your chunk. This lets everyone know just how awful your lie was (ignore the fact that you foot wedged it into a perfect flier). The leg kick lets everyone know that you needed super human strength to get the ball out of the first cut of rough. Thankfully you’ve been spending a lot of time with your physio so this is no problem for you.

The Crowd Move

You hit your drive into the wrong fairway, and there’s a group coming down that fairway. They’re clearly in YOUR way though. Make sure they know that by directing them as if they’re patrons. Throw in a little “We’re trying to play a little golf here” to make sure they know their place as patrons.

The Handshake

You finish your round, but the match is tied. You show a little respect for your playing partner by removing your hat and shaking their hand. Go out of your way to make it awkwardly professional. The key is the hat removal. Toss in a hug to your playing partner as if he’s your caddie.

Bonus: If you beat your buddy with a putt on the 18th hole, go full Payne Stewart “You’re going to be a father”:

The Playoff

In the case that your match ends in a tie, you must give the people what they want, and settle the bet. You summon the club pro, who takes you back to the 18th tee to start the playoff. Your playing partner can ride in a separate cart. Perhaps sneak in some range balls while your buddy is signing his card.

The Autograph

You finish off the playoff victory, and it’s time to make good on a promise you’ve been making all day. You’ve been getting autograph requests in between every hole, and you’ve responded how you always respond: “After the round guys, thanks.” Grab your winning golf ball and throw your signature on it and hand it to the first patron you see.

One more bonus #TourSauce…

The Clubhouse View

You were the first group off in the morning potluck game. You fired an 82, but that’s a net 65, and you like your chances to bring home the pot. You wait out the other 5 foursomes with your family over lunch and a whiskey, while watching from the clubhouse window. After you see Frank miss a 5 footer for 6 net 4 on the 18th, you know you’ve taken home the prize. It’s time to celebrate with your partner and your family.

Follow No Laying Up on twitter and let us know when you see some #TourSauce. And when it finally gets warm enough, try some of these with your buddies and send it to us via Vine or YouTube. We’ll gladly retweet our favorites.