Tiger Woods has pumped a load of money into professional golf. That’s not up for debate, and it’s certainly not a revelation to anybody. However, that reality is rather nebulous and lacks context. Sure, I’ve noticed tournament purses growing like weeds; looked upon the size of recent endorsement deals with wide eyes (see: McIlroy, Rory); and figured numerous, faceless Suits have cashed out-sized checks behind the scenes, but that’s really been the extent of it.

The genesis for this piece occurred last April when I read the following comments from Phil Mickelson to 

“I’ve told [Tiger], and I’ve said this before, nobody has benefited more from having Tiger in the game than myself…It’s unbelievable the growth of this game. And Tiger has been the instigator. He’s been the one that’s really propelled and driven the bus because he’s brought increased ratings, increased sponsors, increased interest, we have all benefited, but nobody has benefited more than I have, and we’re all appreciative.”

The last two points Lefty made: 1) Nobody having benefited more than him; and 2) Every member of the Tour being appreciative, struck me flush like one of Big Cat’s wayward drives of late.

Here was the second-best golfer of the last 15 to 20 years, a guy who’s Q-rating is second only to the BigCat over that time, exclaiming his genuine appreciation for the financial windfall Tiger has brought, and doing it on the eve of the Masters to boot. 

if FIGJAM is this reverential toward Tiger, what’s the sentiment among the other guys on Tour? And more specifically, just how much money has Eldrick made these guys?

I’m comfortable with the following estimate:

(2012 real dollars) deposited into the bank accounts of his competitors.

After that number has sunk in, let me quickly walk you through how I arrive at that astronomical figure.

Before showing my work, here are some working assumptions and general notes about this analysis:

As mentioned previously, all dollar amounts are presented in real (2012) dollar terms. If you haven’t been paying attention to national economic news, inflation has been minimal between 2012 and now (to the chagrin of the Fed, actually), so 2012 dollars, for all intents and purposes, are fairly similar to today’s dollars.

I’ve chosen to examine the time period of 1990 through 2012 for two reasons, one completely arbitrary and the other only somewhat so. Extracting data from PGATour.com is a tedious, time-consuming process and by the time I got back to 1990, I had the heart to go no further. I use 2012 due to the revision of the PGA’s schedule beginning this year which caused 2013’s total purse amount to be artificially low because of the implementation of the wrap-around schedule. I had not the desire to convert purses to a per-tournament basis across all years, so hence the 2012 cutoff.

I’m focusing strictly on golf earnings by way of tournament purses. I don’t touch appearance fees, endorsement deals, or anything else.

 Unofficial PGA Tour events because, hey, money is money. Cream, get the money, dolla dolla bills y’all!

Finally, I’m well aware there are a bevy of non-Tiger factors that played a part (to varying degrees) in purse growth on Tour from 1990 to 2012. I’ll leave that technical, rigorous examination to the real economists. My intent was to produce a quick, back-of-the-envelope analysis for much needed context.

Below is a graph illustrating total annual purse amounts on the PGA Tour between 1990 and 2012:

(Sources: PGATour.com, Bureau of Labor Statistics CPI Index)

Nominal purse growth rose nearly 500% between 1990 and 2012, from $51.2 million to $306.9 million. Adjusted for inflation, it’s a bit less heady, but still spectacular 241% increase, from $89.9 million to the aforementioned $306.9 million.

Here again is real purse growth, this time on an annual gain/loss basis:

That growth curve gets steeper than Sergio with a 3-iron!!!

And one more graph for you—below illustrates year-over-year real purse growth rates:

I think there’s a joke about this representing a final heart-beat of the Tour, what with the plunging golf participation numbers, sales figures, etc. but I’ll stop before I get too deep into the golf doom and gloom that’s all too present lately.

When considering all three graphs in tandem, I sub-divided the 1990 to 2012 time frame into three distinct periods:

. Tiger turned pro in the latter half of 1996, so by and large the description fits, as purses were already set for ’96 (though companies could see the tempest on the horizon). Total purse amounts in this period grow at an annual compounded rate (CAGR) of 3.7%, going from $89.9 million to $111.8 million in 1996.

. This is the holy-shit spike. On the course, Tiger solidified his excellence from the start, boat-racing Augusta National and the Masters field in 1997, and setting his status as a generational talent. Nike signed him to a (then-record) 5 year, $40 million endorsement deal in late 1996, jumping full-bore into the golf market with Tiger at the start of the ’97 season. And judging by a CAGR during this period of nearly 14%, Nike wasn’t alone. Corporate money flooded Tour purses, as they jumped in total from $124.6 million in 1997 to $315.9 million by the end of 2004. Please keep this era in mind as it is the heart of my analysis.

2005 to 2012 is the ‘Postmodern Tiger’ Era

. While Tiger continued to dominate on the course up through the 2008 US Open, purse amounts did not follow suit. To my somewhat amazement, purses experienced a -0.40% CAGR from 2005 through 2012, falling in total from over $315 million to $306.9 million. I’ll note here that the Great Recession undoubtedly played a role in suppressing purses.

So how did Cat stack over a bill in people’s bank accounts? It really comes down to imagining a world in which Tiger never picked up a golf club. (Please note, in my preferred parallel universe Tiger is a Navy Seal conducting #KillHouse training exercises in regular intervals).

Any such ‘G.I. Eldrick’ parallel universe could differ from reality in an infinite number of ways (at least that’s what I gathered from Austin Kutcher’s 

), and therefore the possibilities for PGA Tour purse growth are also infinite. In the face of such vagary and overwhelming possibility, I kept things simple and distilled all possible Tiger-less worlds into five separate parallel universes:

: The Pre-Tiger period of 1990 to 1996 is left unchanged from reality in all parallel universes (growth rates and totals). Similarly, the ‘Postmodern’ Tiger purse growth rates of 2005 to 2012 remain unchanged from reality. This leaves the ‘Peak-Tiger’ period of 1997 to 2004 as the crux of my analysis. I set it up this way to ease the complexity of analysis (seeing a trend?). This also, in my opinion, produces an understated (i.e. conservative) final dataset, with which I’m most comfortable).

 In this hypothetical, purses behave exactly as they did in reality, growing at the same rates and to the same levels they did with Woods around. As the name implies, this means Tiger really didn’t have a damn thing to do with purse growth between 1990 and 2012, and specifically from 1997 to 2004. I don’t for a second believe this scenario to be plausible, but it serves as the ‘best-case’ scenario bookend on the spectrum.

 This hypothetical veers from the actual Peak Tiger period by discounting year-over-year purse growth rates by 25% of the difference between reality and simply inflation. It implies, therefore, that in reality Tiger drove ‘only’ 25% of purse growth between ’97 and ’04.

: In this universe, actual Peak Tiger purse growth is discounted by 50% the spread between reality and inflation, implying that in reality Tiger was responsible for half of growth between ’97 and ’04.

Parallel Universe 4: Three-Quarters Cat: 

As you can guess, this parallel universe differs from reality by discounting Peak Tiger purse growth by 75% the difference between reality and inflation, thus implying Tiger drove three-quarters of actual growth between ’97 and ’04.

: This universe is ‘worst-case’ book-end on the spectrum. In it purses between ’97 and ’04 grow by the rate of inflation only. This is sort of the apocalyptic dreamscape of parallel universes. Like #1, I don’t for a second believe this is plausible either.

Now in possession of five hypothetical Tiger-less worlds, I modeled each one, sat back, and let the magic happen. Here’s what came out:

These graphs are the same as the ones I already showed you, with the ‘Tiger Who?’ hypothetical world corresponding exactly to reality. As you can see, each of the four other parallel universes are layered within each respective graph, represented by the different colors.

The final piece of the puzzle, the quite literal 

 dollar question, involves picking which alternate universe to go with and seeing specifically how it compares to reality.

If I were to hazard a guess for Mr. Mickelson, in reference to his quote at the beginning of the piece, I’d say he would likely admit Tiger’s impact, and specifically his opinion of a Tiger-less Tour, would most resemble the ‘Three-Quarter Cat’ hypothetical (i.e. Tiger drove 75% of actual purse growth) as the most plausible alternative. But because on my public accounting background, I’ll err a bit on the conservative side and pick the ‘Half Cat’ parallel universe as the one most likely to have unfolded if Tiger never touched a club.

So let’s see how the ‘Half Cat’ world compares to reality:

PGA Tour purses in a ‘Half Cat’ alternate reality would be about 

 than they were in reality. In other words, if you’re comfortable with the assertion that Tiger Woods was 

 responsible for half of purse growth between 1997 and 2004, then he is therefore singularly responsible for creating an additional $1.33 billion in tournament purse available on Tour. Backing out Tiger’s earned portion of this additional purse available ($134.7 million in real terms), I thus arrive at my original, conservative estimate:

Tiger Woods, and the Tiger Woods phenomenon, produced at least an additional 

for the bank accounts of fellow playing pros between 1997 and 2012. $1.2 billion! That’s about the 2013 GDP of Antigua and Barbuda, which is what I call relative context.

 series, totals become personal. I break down, on a player-by-player basis, just how much certain guys have reaped due to Tiger. I plan on naming names. Before you know it, Steiny’s people will be auditing accounts (yes, Vijay, even the off-shore stuff), garnishing earnings (better call your financial advisor, Stu Appleby!), and calling in the wiseguys if need-be. It’s time to pay the Tiger Tax!

Coming soon: Tiger Woods & Mark Steinberg star in 

Tiger Tax Part 1: Assessment

It’s draft day. Here’s a look at who’s in the PGA Pigskin Team War Room. In case you missed last year’s squad, check out:

 – Clad in an oversized visor and baggy polo, the HBC has the air of a CEO and exudes the confidence necessary to lead this band of warriors. Never gets too high or too low, Couples is in it for the long grind of the season. He stays out of the weeds of playcalling, opting to focus strictly on dialing up ballsy fakes, working officials, and wooing the media. He’s the face of the program, and a recruiting heavyweight. Definite concerns persist about his philosophies on practice so he’ll need some taskmasters under him to light the candle.

Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks Coach – Jason Dufner

 – The Duff’s love of Auburn football is inescapable. A master strategist on the course, this approach to the golf game will translate well. Personnel oriented play-caller, expect him to establish a downhill rushing attack with Woodland and sprinkle in well-placed play-action and WR screens to free up DJ and Sergio in the vertical passing game (our GM demands that we get real vertical). He shows zero emotion with the headset on up in the booth, the kind of coach players hate to ‘disappoint.’ Head Ball Coach may struggle to match competing offers in the offseason. Have to acknowledge that concerns exist as to whether our QB1 FIGJAM Mickelson is too stationary for Dufner’s style, based on his 

 and other mobile signalcallers. #DecidedSchematicAdvantage.

 – Stew plays golf about as defensively as anyone possibly could, making him a subject matter expert. Knowledgable football fan who has watched enough Georgia Tech football to know what NOT to do on defense. With the right staff around him and an emphasis on consistent preparation can capitalize on opponent’s mistakes (see: British open win) and pushes the envelope just enough to get inside foes’ heads (see: Heritage Classic victory over Ted Purdy).

Offensive Assistant Coach – Vijay Singh

 – The Big Fijian is a student, a utility guy who’s a plug and play on the staff and can coach up the intricacies of the O-Line. He’s the definition of a Grinder (

), and he’s not scared to fight the odds (see pending lawsuit with Finchy). This type of outspoken leadership in the locker-room is exactly what we need, he’s not afraid to be the bad guy. Definite candidate to assist with the strength and conditioning program (more on that later) and provide our guys acces to the proper “

Defensive Assistant Coach – Jerry Pate

The Volcano” is a welcome addition to the staff, known for his intensity and volatility and serves as a nice counterbalance to Coach BoomBoom. These traits will come in handy when working the Zebras and motivating The Corps if they’re sluggish in practice. Pate’s also an Alabama alum and will no doubt lean on the philosophies of Crimson Tide Head Coach “The Nicktator” for his defensive schemes.

Even the Volcano has to cool off sometimes

 – The FunkMan holds a degree in law enforcement (huge asset for dealing with any miscreants on the roster), boasts six years of collegiate coaching experience, and even boxed for awhile growing up. Special teams is all about making the most of what you’ve got and turning it into a consistent product – that’s what Fred Funk’s career’s been about. No doubt he’ll excel in chumming it up with the rest of the staff, as well.

 – He’s essentially a graduate assistant that nobody wants around but everyone has to put up with because his dad (Ping) contributes heavily to the program. His wet-blanket personality is put to good use as the ball spotter in practice and the “

” during games – that guy who’s always killing the sideline vibe but gets the full wrath of the HBC when The Zebras issue the inevitable sideline warning. Coach Bubba is also tasked with setting up the water station at practice and doing bed checks during road games.

Strength and Conditioning Coach – Stevie Williams

 – The guy pisses intensity each morning, eats his own dog food (he’s a specimen), and is a proven motivator of champions. He ensures the ‘moxy’ stays high during team workouts and has no problem going toe to toe with a yoked-out Woodland or Westwood in the off-season. And no cameras will be allowed in the weight room. Ever.

– The Shark is looking to add a professional sports franchise to his ever-expanding empire – could there be a more obvious choice than this team? He’s intimidating, polished, wealthy, and well-connected, all traits of a successful owner. The cross-branding opportunities are endless.

 – In a previous life Spurrier played on the PGATour, so the Shark takes a flier on the OBC and makes GodFather offer that includes lifetime exemptions into the Pebble Pro-Am. Spurrier’s gonna lean on Duf to pitch the ball around and hang half-a-hundred. His primary responsibility will be buying the groceries and making sure this thing runs like a well-oiled machine. 

, he’s also well-qualified to help out with the physio program.

 – Not afraid to take risks, as evidenced by his steadfast refusal to balance a check book and pay income taxes. This should translate well when it comes to avoiding the luxury tax and structuring trades. He’ll help Spurrier take the restrictor plates off this franchise and pump some extra capital into the operation. Gains immediate respect of players when mistaken for Olympic Champion Jim Thorpe (1.0). Felony rap sheet a concern – Spurrier had to pull some strings with the commissioner to make the hire, but as Thorpe always says, ‘YOU GOT TO BE BOLD BABY!!!!’

– Padraig’s background as an accountant will be pay huge dividends in this role, as he’ll have his work cut out for him keeping our CFO in check. We needed a strong guy in this spot and Padraig does just that (added bonus that he’s also our kicker, so that saves us some money). Padraig also brings his good buddy 

 into the fold (but firmly in the shadows) for all sorts of “side projects.”

When he’s not congratulating players via twitter, he’s scolding others on their eating habits. If you’ve ever heard him speak (or been within a football field of him), he’ll remind you that he does 1,000 sit-ups a day and can still drive it 400 yards at his age of 90 (might be slight exaggerations). Regardless, this is the guy we want setting the nutrition regimen and nursing these guys back to health. Mr. Player is also an expert on all things travel related and runs the logistics of the operation.

Head Groundskeeper – Louis Oosthuizen 

– Louie cares more about his turf than anyone on tour, so this is a natural choice. We’ll buy him the big boy tractor and let him do his thing, no questions asked.

No Laying Up PGA Pigskin Team -Coaching Staff

It’s game time patrons. You’ve read The Masters previews, made your picks, and finished up the work week. It’s time to join NLU and our friends over at 

 for an ongoing Masters dialogue. Join the Live Chat, a virtual 19th hole where pretty much anything tangible and relevant goes. It’s time to get involved folks.

The Masters Interactive Blog

It had been rumored for years, so it hardly came as a shock 

 in Dublin, Ohio was closing after the 2014 season. While there is a very small chance that the course could still be purchased by the city and remain as is, I would say the closing and subsequent housing development is several years overdue. Sentimentally, I can’t believe that the place I spent so much of my childhood at, and the place where I learned the game, will cease to exist at this time next year. While the vast majority of you reading this likely have never heard of this course, I’m sure there is a similar place where a lot of your early golf memories are housed.

The reasons for the closing of Riviera Country Club are clear. Dublin is an continuously growing suburb of Columbus, Ohio, and of course plays host to the Memorial Tournament every year at nearby Muirfield Village Golf Club. When the club was built in 1970, Dublin had a population of less than 1,000 people. It’s now home to a population of greater than 40,000, with 3 high schools, a new development popping up every year, and more country clubs than fingers on your hands (holy white flight!). Seriously just look at the image below (Riviera is the course in the bottom left corner).

From a birds eye view, there looks to be more golf course than residential acreage. Remember that NONE of these courses were there when the Riv was built in 1970! An entire suburbia developed around it, and the track is now bordered by a middle school to the north, a high school to the southwest, another country club to the east, and houses everywhere in between. The course is so close to Muirfield Village that the club rents out its parking lot to paying customers during the Memorial tournament every year. Bottom line is…. the bottom line: the course is not making money anymore.

The course was founded by the American Italian Golf Association. Growing up playing the course, and later working in the bag room, the stories and legends of the past days of the club seemed to grow year by year, ranging from the alleged shootout in the parking lot in the 1970’s, to exaggerated betting numbers for some of the membership’s highest stakes players. To this day I have zero understanding as to why a course called “Riviera” was built in the middle of a bunch of cornfields (

: see below for answer). Over the course of my 10 years killing time at the club, I think at some point every member with a last name that ended with a vowel had been rumored to have some sort of tie to the mob (OK, maybe that’s why). Judging by the items I found left in golf carts over my 5 years working there, there is no doubt in my mind there was dirty money flowing through that place on a near daily basis. The rap sheet on some of these guys was long enough that even as a 17 year-old I knew not to ask questions, and as a guy working for tips, I quickly learned that some of these guys would be my best tippers. While the closure affects me and saddens me, the members and founders of the club are the ones that are truly feeling it. Long time member Dominic Guglielmi added the following:

“I have memories going back to being a little kid and going to the Christmas parties they had. My parents had their wedding reception there, and my grandpa literally helped build the course. He remembers building the sand traps on the right side of #8 near #7 tee, and every time I hit it there, I blame him. I could go on and on. There are so many memories.”

“I plan on being there at the course right up to the last day they are open. I don’t know if I can watch them take bulldozers to it though. It would be pretty emotional.”

When my family joined the course in the early 2000’s (for what seemed like a great deal at the time), I was ecstatic. My best friend Frankie was also a member at the club, and we would spend the next half-decade getting dropped off at 9 am and getting picked up after the sun went down. Hours were spent ruining the turf at the driving range, making the range picker’s life miserable, distracting actual paying members, admiring the older kids that could bomb it past us, and dreaming of the day we’d be able to pipe a driver over the hill at the back of the range that sure seemed a lot further away back then than it does now. Seemingly every day we’d be trying something new we had seen on the Golf Channel, tinkering our swings, and wishing we could buy the gadgets from the Golf Channel infomercials (you can hit an Adams Tight Lies off the cart path!). We’d walk at least 18 holes, eat some quesadillas, and either head out for more golf, play more games on the range, take a bucket of balls to the chipping green, have an 18-hole putting match, or watch golf in the clubhouse. I literally could not approximate how many rounds of golf I played at this course with Frankie.

I also have incredible memories playing evening golf with my dad there. We would take a cart out and get in as many holes as we could, often completing 9 holes in about an hour fifteen if we had the course to ourselves. I would try to show off that I was good enough to play the black tees now, and would bore my dad with the hole-by-hole details of my round from earlier that day. With the wind down, and the sun setting, my fondest golf memories were learning the game from my dad during those hours. The course was so peaceful, and the game felt so simple during those times, and to a 15 year-old kid, there wasn’t a single worry in the world. We’d often end the nights playing the dramatic par-3 9th hole, over water, in the complete dark, which required absolute silence after hitting the ball to listen for either the thud of the ball hitting the green, or the splash of the watery grave in front.

The course itself is really nothing special. It’s built on the flattest piece of land you’ll ever see, all 18 holes sandwiched into a pretty small piece of real estate. Not short, but not exceptionally long ethier. Some really 

 (the 12th hole is a 220 yard par-3 that remains the only hole on the course that I’ve never birdied). I can safely say that I have memories from every single hole. The sprinklers coming on behind the 4th green and destroying my dad as he prepared to chip. Frankie taking a cart out to the 16th hole to meet my dad and I on one of our evening 9’s, and on his first swing sticking a 6-iron to 2 inches (and Frankie subsequently hitting 6-iron on that hole every single time regardless of the wind or the distance). Driving the green on the 1st hole from 370 (that no one believes to this date). Constantly choking on the 18th hole in my quest to finally break 80. Playing for free with some of the NLU crew back in our college days after spending the day at the Memorial drinking and betting on the hill adjacent to the 12th green.

While the course itself wouldn’t wow an outsider, to me, it will always be my home course. My passion for the game was born here, and I can honestly say that this place helped shape my life. I went from a spoiled member of the club with no concept of money or the real world, playing unlimited rounds and hitting an unlimited amount of range balls, to working in the bag room and learning the values of a work ethic, client service, and saving money. The days spent on the clock in the bag room are almost equally as memorable. I remember working 20-hour days during the club championship (sleeping in my car for 4 hours in between), and betting on my favorite members with other employees. Getting called up to “The Big Show” (Tuesday night Men’s League) was a rite of passage, and the hardest shift to get assigned to, as that’s where the biggest tips came (I’ll never forget the first and only $100 tip I got). Anyone who was anyone played on Tuesday Night’s, and the “organized” prize money had to pale in comparison to the side pots. Mondays meant the course was closed, and open for employees to play. It was the norm to zoom around three times in about eight hours, stopping after 27 holes to change into a fresh cart. A heated putting competition broke out on the concrete in the cart barn during the down times, which always ended with us trying to act busy when a rogue member came in wondering where his clubs were.

I knew every member’s name (well, every member that was a good tipper). If you took care of me, I took care of you. There were certain guys who were consistent, and you knew who they were. Then there were the wild cards, who may stiff you on Wednesday, then drop a $20 spot on you on Friday (likely contingent on how much they won or lost that day). When I was a freshman in college, I got my wisdom teeth taken out, and my gums got infected. I had to come home and have emergency surgery on the night of the 2004 presidential election, and my surgeon happened to be one of my favorite members, and (not coincidentally) the best tipper. He laughed when I tried to slip him a $20 as a joke when I was hopped up on morphine. The days of working for tips taught me a lot about client service, and it influences the way I tip to this day.

The memories of Riviera Country Club will never fade, but it does not sit well with me that the course will no longer be there. Even though I’ve played Riv maybe once a year for the last 5 years since moving away, and I can’t imagine not having this course to go back to when I want to re-live some of the best memories from my childhood. In June I plan to play the course one last time with Frankie for old time’s sake and see if I can get that birdie at number 12 that’s eluded me all these years before it, and the rest of Riviera, disappear into history.

It’s been a year and a half since this post. The club did not open in 2015, and the property is left to drift into oblivion before the bulldozers come in and turn it into housing. I sent my wonderful mother out on assignment on her bike to photograph the course as it stands today, in September of 2015. I can recognize the holes from the pictures you took, but you likely won’t be able to tell that there was a golf course here with decades of memories. It’s hard to put into words the gut feeling I get when looking at these photos, but I figured they were worth sharing. RIP, Riviera.

The 18th hole, from the tee, September 2015

Saying Goodbye to My Childhood Golf Course

Previous installments (you’ll want to read before continuing):

We’ve already taught you 30 ways to mimic you’re favorite tour pros, but we’re not close to being done. For some of these, you’re going to have to enlist the help of your playing partner in your 2 on 2 match. Ironically, he’ll be acting as your caddie, even though you’re the one doing the heavy lifting, carrying the team.

You’ve gotten your range sesh in with your alignment sticks, and you’ve done the tee drill on the putting green that has 3 holes cut, making it impossible for the other 50 plebeians to get any practice putts in. Your staff bag is latched onto the cart, and your ProV1’s are marked up. It’s time for #TourSauce Part III:

You’re on the tee for your 2:00 starting time (of course you’ve got a late tee time, you’re on the top of the leaderboard). You’re playing your local muni for approximately the 368th time, but you need to consult with your yardage book just to make sure that greenside bunker 412 yards away isn’t in your reach. You don’t actually even have to have a real yardage book, just use your scorecard. Make sure you wait until it’s your turn so everyone can see just how calculated you are with your approach.

This is an easy one. You’ve struck your 8 iron towards the center of the green, maybe five yards right of the flag. But you’re a tour pro, so you think that you can direct the ball with a simple lean to the left. Don’t be afraid to throw in some color by talking to the ball. Any of the following will do: “Bite!”, “Cut!”, “Ugh, JASON!”, “One Yard, ONE YARD!”

Here’s where you’ll need your partner’s help (we’ll call him Joey). Despite your body contortion and your screaming that could be heard at the clubhouse, your 8 iron ended up 15 feet right of the flag. Green in reg, but this is routine for you. Your playing partner has to have your putter ready to pass to you, and you take it in stride on the way to the green while passing your 8 iron. Don’t worry about the cart, Joey’s got that.

Your 15 footer lips out. You make it clear that you are the only person on the planet that has ever had a lip out. Your reaction is similar to what it would be if you found out your entire family was in a horrible accident. However, this is much worse. This is your 

You’re not done with your tantrum. There was likely a defect in the ball that caused that lip out, so chuck it as far as you can so everyone sees just how unusual a missed putt is for you. However, make sure you throw it toward the next tee box so you can retrieve it (ProV1’s ain’t cheap), just make sure no one sees you pick it back up.

You splash out of the greenside bunker. Joey is already in his pocket, so he volunteers to rake the bunker for you to get you moving. After all, you’ve been walking around in the bunker for several minutes studying the best angle to try to approach the green. On your way out of the trap, you “rake” the sand with your feet, which does absolutely nothing.

Again, your playing partner is playing the role as caddie here. You briefly consulted him for your club choice for your approach, but you don’t even pretend to listen to his advice. You proceeded to chunk it in the water, but immediately blame your “caddie”. Make sure he, along with everyone within shouting range, knows that it was his fault you’ve gotta take a drop.

You blade a wedge over the green at the 120 yard par 3 8th hole. It’s not your fault, and you know that, but you need to make it clear that everyone else knows that. You blame the firm turf, for you’re inability to compress the ball, and the extremely firm green that you airmailed completely. “How am I supposed to play on this!?”

You ignored the forecast on the weather channel in the pro shop, and now it’s starting to sprinkle. Your playing group is playing through the drizzle, but you refuse to continue. You place a call to the pro shop and get the assistant pro out to the furthest point on the course to bring you into the clubhouse and keep your clubs dry.

You make it back out on the course, but you need to make it clear that the conditions are basically unplayable. The only way to get the ball out of the slightly damp rough is to contort your body after your chunk. This lets everyone know just how awful your lie was (ignore the fact that you foot wedged it into a perfect flier). The leg kick lets everyone know that you needed super human strength to get the ball out of the first cut of rough. Thankfully you’ve been spending a lot of time with your physio so this is no problem for you.

You hit your drive into the wrong fairway, and there’s a group coming down that fairway. They’re clearly in YOUR way though. Make sure they know that by directing them as if they’re patrons. Throw in a little “We’re trying to play a little golf here” to make sure they know their place as patrons.

You finish your round, but the match is tied. You show a little respect for your playing partner by removing your hat and shaking their hand. Go out of your way to make it awkwardly professional. The key is the hat removal. Toss in a hug to your playing partner as if he’s your caddie.

Bonus: If you beat your buddy with a putt on the 18th hole, go full Payne Stewart “You’re going to be a father”:

In the case that your match ends in a tie, you must give the people what they want, and settle the bet. You summon the club pro, who takes you back to the 18th tee to start the playoff. Your playing partner can ride in a separate cart. Perhaps sneak in some range balls while your buddy is signing his card.

You finish off the playoff victory, and it’s time to make good on a promise you’ve been making all day. You’ve been getting autograph requests in between every hole, and you’ve responded how you always respond: “After the round guys, thanks.” Grab your winning golf ball and throw your signature on it and hand it to the first patron you see.

You were the first group off in the morning potluck game. You fired an 82, but that’s a net 65, and you like your chances to bring home the pot. You wait out the other 5 foursomes with your family over lunch and a whiskey, while watching from the clubhouse window. After you see Frank miss a 5 footer for 6 net 4 on the 18th, you know you’ve taken home the prize. It’s time to celebrate with your partner and your family.

 and let us know when you see some #TourSauce. And when it finally gets warm enough, try some of these with your buddies and send it to us via Vine or YouTube. We’ll gladly retweet our favorites.

How to Act Like a Tour Pro: Part III

In the second installment (read through the Offense 

) of our PGA All-Pigskin scouting report, we head across the line of scrimmage to check out the preseason defensive depth chart highlighting the baddest dudes on tour. The 4-3 scheme features speed and power all over the field, and with the proper tutelage and nutritional oversight this squad could rival a powerhouse outfit like the Oakland Raiders of the last ten years, or at least 

ran a train on their Ivy League opponents

 (Go Lions!!!). As we demand expect our offense to score at will, there’s legitimate concern about the endurance and depth on the defensive side of the ball, so we’ve stockpiled backups at certain positions.

DEFENSIVE END (we want a stable of ‘dogs’ because 

This burly Scandinavian is an absolute bomb threat on the left side. Flashes the ability to dip, rip, replace and run. Can throw guys out of the bar. The 

dark places he’s journeyed to with his golf game

 will only help fuel the monster inside. Measurables are through the roof (he’s a Jay Bilas approved 6’5″) and this Big Swede flashes serious upside. Possesses active hands, but you’d like to see more burst and consistency. Boom/bust potential.

Kuch may look soft and kind, but he’s the grown up version of that quiet, coachable, hard-working high school teammate. All he needs to do is keep contain and hold gaps. The former junior tennis star’s size, steady demeanor, and sneaky athleticism make him perfect opposite the explosive Big Swede. He’s a fiery coach’s project; at practice and in film sessions expect tirades such as, ‘

Hey Kuch, you went to Georgia Tech right? Don’t understand the laws of physics? Get your f***ing ass down, SON! You have to gain depth to get leverage.

Hey Kuch, wipe that f**king smile off your face and quit saying ‘my bad, coach’. And if you can’t do that, I got something else you can help with…you can eat my ass cuz I’m not screaming for my health, SON!

‘ We’d throw Kuchar into the crucible early in two-a-days and watch him sink or swim. We have the feeling he’ll menace gridiron foes just like he’s menaced foes in country club sports.

– The other large Swede has exactly the volatile demeanor and competitive drive (i.e. ‘motor’) to bring it on every play. At 6’1″, he’s longer than many of the NFL’s best and baddest dudes on the d-line (James Harrison and Von Miller both 6 foot), but will still have the pad level to dip and rip on slower tackles (looking at you, De Jonge). One look at the post-round carnage to the locker below, and we see the intensity Big Stense is capable of in the heat of battle.

As evidenced by the role he’ll be filling, English will be working hard on scout-squad honing his craft, in the weight room with our S&C staff (only world-class physios for Team NLU), and with our nutritionist (two words: MASHED POTATOES!!!). May also consider hooking him up with our pharmacist (we’ll announce our pharmacological staff, and other coaching/front-office spots, in 

) to provide the choicest “supps” to aid in the growth process. The frame is there – he’s a legit 6’3″ with a jumbo jet wingspan and the bone structure to load on 45-50 lbs. of lean muscle. The combo of his South Georgia upbringing, SEC roots (UGA product) and his insanely solid mental approach instill confidence that he’ll stay focused on his development. This guy’s work to gain #CertifiedStud status on Tour in such a short time screams value-play and high-upside potential. Like JP Morgan, he’s too damn big to fail.

While this bit player/NLU fringe-favorite hasn’t quite established himself on Tour (

…we hope), that isn’t an issue on the gridiron. The lettuce, the facial landscaping, the pragmatic mindset…he’s the quintessential BIG NASTY. Built like a sequoia, he’ll be tasked with playing assignment football – no freelancing allowed – and taking pride in stopping the run. Great locker room presence.

‘The Tank’ is the A gap plug (sexual innuendo unintentional). He’s a veteran anchor to build around as the former professional weightlifter (squatted over 350 lbs. as a 13 year-old, seriously) plays stout in the trenches with textbook posture, tremendous pad level, and a hilariously low center of gravity. Marginal height and weight hurt his stock a bit, but his lateral quickness and “brick”-like physique should be perfect on early downs and short-yardage situations. May struggle with penetration but will absolutely hold his ground and be active in both gaps. As you’ll see with our LB’s, we can afford to skimp a little bit on size in this spot. Our marketing department is really riding us about growing the game over in Asia – Choi will do wonders for that. Dude’s a rockstar.

The SAM Backer spot begs for a broad, lanky specimen who can set the edge on sweeps, bring the noise on the blitz, and match up with TE’s down field. Scott’s frame, work ethic, and the loose screw every Australian has make him a match made in heaven for this spot. Digging deeper in the film room, expect his lateral quickness and change of direction to be as effortless as his golf swing, and we know he’ll be a gym rat and film disciple under the watchful tutelage of a guy he’s pretty familiar with on our S&C staff. His gait is a bit rigid but we’ll get that straightened out in no time, as our plyometrics program is wayyy too strong.

– An important distinction here is that we’re highlighting a hybrid version of Lee – he’ll need to keep his newly acquired fitness while layering on the excess pounds he carried in the early aughts to pack enough punch as our Mike. This is one where we’re really proud of our scouting department for their willingness to think outside the box, seeing not only the past and present but having the confidence in our staff to mold him into a combination of those. Westwood Version 1.5 is your classic run stopper (a la Brandon Spikes). He’ll probably be a casualty of our need to sub in the nickel package on 3rd down (we’ve got that covered below), but this bowling ball is an absolute necessity on running downs. Lee’s a tough cookie and we respect his grind. His relatively recent move to Florida is a welcome sight (as 

we’ll send him over to nearby Muck City

 to work on his footwork), as is his split with Sean Foley (shows a distaste for godawful hair and haberdashery – we expect our guys to look good on AND off the field). We expect to see a little of this from 1.5 when preseason camp ends:

– A 6’4″ 200 lb corn-fed Willy backer prototype from America’s heartland? Say no more. A bit stiff (lose the plaid collars, bud), but displays the versatility to work in space or in a phone-booth, a load on the blitz. His recent form is shaky but the week-in, week-out consistency he showed from 2009-2012 signifies solid practice habits. Another positive: he’s a man! A negative: he’s forty (actually the Oklahoma State product is 38, but close enough). On an extremely veteran LB corps, he’ll serve as the quiet killer.

– Another young Aussie with something to prove. Anyone who’s seen Jay Day in person knows he’s all girth – an efficient, dense package. There’s a controlled power and swagger to his game on the course that translates well into the mentality required of the lonely, last line of defense. This 

Steve DiMeglio article from 2011 highlights

 that physicality was ingrained in Day at a young age. He admits to ‘

being an alcoholic when [he] was 12 and was a constant combatant in fistfights at school,’ 

until being shipped off to boarding school at 14. Sounds like a free safety to me! We picture his game as similar to that of 

 – lean power, precision, intensity. Back-end sniper.

Tiger wears the same shirt in his ‘office.’

 mentality (a la LaRon Landry). Tiger will prowl the flats and be active in the run game (has always displayed a real penchant for relentlessly plugging holes, both on 

 off the field). Displays phenomenal back-pedal, of course, as Tiger’s a physical specimen. A cool customer under pressure, Big Cat hunts for the Ronnie Lott ‘woo lick.’ Medical red-flags surrounding surgically repaired knee, Achilles, and face (we’re looking at you, Elin!). Concerns abound regarding issues with situational discipline in man coverage, on play-action, and after the whistle (possibly after hours as well). He’s our enforcer and tone-setter- frosty with opponents, fans, and media alike!

Loves to get up in run support, turning the hole into a ‘Kill House.’

– We look to the SEC (Florida, specifically) for our tandem of starting corners. Billy-Ho’s technique is rock solid; fluid hips, swivels extraordinarily well. Just the latest in a long lineage of Gator CB’s – similar to Jannoris Jenkins (minus the 17 kids with 12 different women). Only knock is 

, which we think is overblown (as evidenced below). Mental makeup is even stronger than his physical build, a student of the game – this guy establishes permanent residence in opponents’ heads. Consistent. Focused. Maniacal. Talks all game. Think Richard Sherman. Possesses above average size for a corner. No doubt he’ll look crispy in his uniform. Has proven he can hang with up-tempo offenses, as he’s the Tour’s answer to Chip Kelly on the pace-of-play spectrum.

As promised, another Gator (SEC speed kills) holds down the fort opposite Horschel Island. Our staff will have ZERO apprehension when they decide to play man coverage on the outside. Camilo’s flexibility and footwork are both on-point. Fiery competitor who will help establish a Latin American pipeline. Reads defenses well, decisive, but concerns about ability in run support; may find himself the nail more often than the hammer.

Excellent feet, great hips, reads routes well.

– We tabbed Saabo here as much for his mental skills as his physical traits – opponents typically want to murder him after spending an afternoon squaring off against this grimy competitor. Fits the bill from a physical perspective, though getting on in years now and not a great cover man. Would have to hide him a bit. Not an every-down player but a luxury off the bench. Think De’Angelo Hall.

 Wily vet obviously is throwing tight, happy spirals out of his ass on punts too.

, shows off the excellent footwork you’d expect from a soccer fan. Increased work with his physio should translate into improved hang time on the field. Still want to see more consistency but has shown that his accuracy is solid. Buttery wedge game suggests sneaky-good 

The third and final installment drops next week and will feature a deep-dive into the Coaches, Front Office/Support Staff, Broadcast Crew and some Honorable Mentions who didn’t make the big squad but will be given the chance to get reps on our Scout Team. As always we’re open to suggestions, so share your thoughts in the comments section below or on twitter (

). Is our LB Corps TOO meaty? Did Jason Kokrak’s measurables deserve a slot somewhere? Are there glaring omissions? Is anyone on the squad a total pretender who our scouts totally whiffed on? Let us know!

No Laying Up's PGA Pigskin Team - Defense

The NFL Scouting Combine kicks off this weekend, a perfect occasion to announce our inaugural 

. This multi-part feature comprises our stab at creating a professional football franchise from the athletic smorgasbord of touring golf professionals. Today’s installment outlines our vision for the offensive unit, which we’ve set up to be a pro-style attack marked with a wide variety of personnel groupings. We intend to stretch the field vertically, while also imposing our will at the line of scrimmage.

Dissent and suggestions are absolutely encouraged, but keep in mind that our notes on each player are the result of hundreds of hours spent in the film room grinding on game tape, pouring over hypothetical Wonderlic test results, hushed conversations with NLU confidants (Yes, that includes Gruden, Kiper, and Jaws) and traveling to the “pro-days” we conducted (in our imaginations). And while some positions are obviously a bit harder to fill (the tour ranks are limited in certain physiques and skillsets), we’ve tried to be creative in addressing these need areas (the Lines were particularly challenging, but we will win in the trenches with technique and coaching). Without further ado, let’s go to the NLU War Room!

 – Really no surprise here – the ball must be in the hands of the most gifted player. Ultra-competitiveness is complimented with off-field charisma that is every agent’s “teenage” dream. Mickelson’s 

 persona, sly smile, and experience under pressure combine for a plus-plus make-up calling to mind Kenny “The Snake” Stabler. Projects as a pure pocket passer so statuesque mobility isn’t a huge concern. Large mitts lead to smooth play-action fakes/RB-exchanges and “The Howitzer”hanging from his right shoulder can ignite an offense (contrary to popular belief, he throws righty). Can laser deep out-routes from the five step drop yet possesses fade-ball touch from his more natural shotgun delivery. Coaches will surely work on tightening his load and release as windows shrink and timing is paramount at the next level. What separates Philip from other QB’s in this class is his unflappable, at times irrational, self-confidence and love of the ‘Moment.’ He’s a gunslinger to the core — ceiling is a middle-class version of Brett Favre; floor is Rex Grossman (aka “The Sex Cannon”) — just as capable of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat as defeat from the warm bosom of victory. Off the field, Mickelson is a natural franchise figurehead, at home signing autographs for fans, giving great soundbites to the media, and schmoozing corporate sponsors. Has shown a habit of adding pounds in the offseason, and gunslinger mentality extends beyond the field where his gambling itch will need to be reigned in and monitored lest he become the next 

. Although some GM’s have voiced concerns regarding Phil’s chronic psoriatic arthritis, our team physician maintains that with enough Enbrel this shouldn’t hinder the play or development of NLU’s QB1.

Great arm strength, tight spin. Needs to quicken his release.

 – Let’s be honest, the former college basketball scholar-athlete is built like a brick shit-house and pisses intensity. Squats a ton, military presses the weight room, and based on the amount of “downcock” he has in his swing (and most likely between his legs), I’d take him in an Oklahoma drill during preseason two-a-days over just about any other guy on Tour (except 

 Big Cat). Is best suited for the one-cut yardage between the tackles, and while he’s shown the capability to make the first man miss, is at home running downhill with his pads square to the line-of-scrimmage. Eats up three to four yards at a time and consistently falls forward. Crazy-good posture could be a detriment down the road as he will take a ton of punishment being an upright runner (a la Adrian Peterson). Willing and able blocker, he takes pride in pass-protection which will be a real asset in our pro-style attack as he’s versatile enough to stay on the field on third and long (again, we’re going to be 

 – ‘The Puma’ fits this role perfectly for two reasons. First, his distance off the tee suggests Rickie packs explosive power into his compact frame. Plays bigger than he really is, and couples it with excellent athletic ability and balance (as evidenced by his moto-cross skills). Second, every football team needs that guy with flair, the guy that lives by the ‘look good, play good’ mantra. Expect bright orange spatted cleats, bicep bands, mirorr-tinted visor, and crispy white gloves…in practice and on game-day! Good lateral quickness and reliable hands make him a homeless man’s Warrick Dunn–a one-cut, off-tackle runner and sneaky screen man. Exceptional ball location skills. Downside is his slight frame and lack of muscle definition – not to worry though, our Strength & Conditioning staff has already mapped out a preseason nutrition and weight-lifting program.

 – Broad-shouldered specimen. Basically possesses the frame of a Clydesdale and his 

 suggest a phenomenal football IQ. Projects as an above-average blocker with the versatility to play all over the field. Looks good in a uniform – essential for the modern tight-end, and did you really think his annual pairing at Pebble with the hooded, serial TE-hoarding Bill Belichick was coincidence? The total package – think poor man’s Gronk. Already familiar with the 

 – Now here’s a lanky specimen; high-hipped. Raw and in need of solid positional coaching but with polish can evolve into a serious threat as a “move” tight end. Building the necessary mass is a serious concern in short yardage; footwork will be a struggle – could be big tendency tipper. Stupid-high upside as a cover 2 beater (SEAM ROUTES!). Tweener downside as he may be allergic to in-line blocking and physicality of any sort. Inherent injury risk.

 – DJ really exploded onto our scouts’ radar at the 2010 US Open, where the broadcast team slobbered over his athletic accomplishments at Coastal Carolina (except Johnny Miller – he only slobs himself). The guy is basically a living, breathing example of the Presidential Physical Fitness Award they hand out in high school PE. Great leaping ability combined with tall frame (6’4″) make DJ a nightmare cover for smaller corners. Uses his long arms and massive paws to snatch the ball out of the air, away from his body. Lacks polish as a route-runner and can be a bit slow getting in and out of cuts. He’s a long strider who takes time to accelerate–think Randy Moss–but with more than enough top-line speed to be a constant deep threat. Upside suggests franchise player, all-pro receiver, and all around alpha male. Concerns exist about football IQ and focus under pressure due to REALLY low Wonderlic scores.

Wingspan + athleticism = no-brainer All-Pigskin WR selection

 – Pro frame and natural chemistry with QB1 Mickelson make Keegan the perfect compliment opposite DJ. Really precise route runner with excellent body control, natural comps include Ed McCaffrey and TJ Houshmandzadeh. Underrated athleticism can make him a tougher-than-expected man cover; also has great feel and understanding of zone coverage and sits down in open areas. His best role likely is as third-down safety valve and general security blanket for the QB. Will not shy away from contact and makes tough, physical catches in traffic. Has a passion for the ‘Moment.’ Gamer. Solid chemistry with QB1 and locker room favorite an added bonus.

. Sneaky-quick, tenacious, and mouthy – all three essential for an undersized receiver making his living over the middle. Will need a strong position coach to keep his mercurial personality in check; serious chemistry concerns abound due to a history of locker room beefs and on-field tantrums. Athletically, displays excellent feet and explosive burst off the line of scrimmage. Sinks his hips, puts his foot in the ground, and is in and out of cuts with precision. Projects as a poor man’s Danny “Madulla” Amendola and shares the same fragility. Shows a frustrating lack of concentration for someone so talented; will drop balls he shouldn’t. Home run threat in space, elusive after catch but doesn’t seek contact. Can help out on special teams as a plug and play return man from day 1.

 – The Big Easy has the frame, footwork, and quiet swagger to shoulder front-side responsibilities. A real knee-bender, the former ‘rugger’ isn’t scared to grab grass and get depth to gain leverage in the run game. Also possesses the laid back demeanor needed to forget about giving up 

. Whispers among scouts suggest vulnerability to the bull rush due to height but his phenomenal kick-step and initial punch should keep speed rushers locked out of the pocket.

 – Judging by the move he’s made on the golf ball for years this guy would be an absolute menace pulling inside on trap plays. He’s that grimy veteran, the glue of the O-line and a definite ankle twister on the bottom of the pile. While we expect JD to sneak in a few lung darts in the tunnel during halftime and take up the torch for rookie hazing (think Incognito), this guy will be the heartbeat of our team. Recent weight loss and sobriety raising legitimate red-flags…

 – Baby Walrus is our quiet muscle, the student of the game with pedigree who keeps his head down and plays hard. His tempo on lag putts and ability to read greens will certainly translate into consistent shotgun snaps and quick formation audibles at the LOS. He’s the cerebral anchor on our O-line. Concern among scouts is that he may lack pop at the point of attack and is missing that killer instinct to finish blocks (i.e. took his foot off Bubba’s jugular in Phoenix). Time will tell.

 – Left guard is usually reserved for the least mobile, least experienced, and most stout lineman. Naturally, we think ‘The Big Unit’ fits well here. 

, so we’ll keep his job simple (due to an obvious language barrier) and keep him stationary. Inertia will do the rest. Several suits in our pro personnel department voiced concern over his transition to American food, so we must have a solid nutritionist on staff. Overall, he’s young, coachable, and the first to say, ‘I got a lot confidence right now.’ Definitely worth a late round flier.

 – Nothing a like a girthy, former rugger to protect blind side. He’s stacked through the hips and waist (a must for a book-end tackle) but does not possess the ideal height we like to see at this position. Some worry he’s more leaner than road-grader, but we believe he possesses the necessary drive and motor to get to the second level in run sets. Jason Kokrak was a consideration here, but we’re too enamored with the idea of Zimbabwe-Thai double-team clearing B-gap on the left side of this line. With some obvious height limitations, we may adopt a zone-blocking scheme (think late nineties Denver Broncos), pound the shit out of the rock, and bury the will of the opposition!

Tenured veteran whose accuracy off the tee translates to tight spirals out his ass. Great locker room guy. Been around forever and still getting it done, even when he plays with the big boys.

 A true grinder with ice cold nerves. His skills were on display last year in Phoenix. Needs to tighten up his footwork, but gets nice lift and distance on his kicks. Has shown he can close.

Distance: not a concern. Accuracy: a concern.

As mentioned earlier, his fast-twitch muscle fiber combined with his explosive persona make him a perfect fit for return duties. May have to focus on ball security drills during off-season due to fumbling concerns.

Part 2, which features our steel-curtain defensive unit – is 

! Tell us your thoughts in the comments section below or on 

. Will this offense be able to consistently hang half-a-hundred? Are there glaring omissions? Do we need to clean house over in the scouting department?

No Laying Up's PGA Pigskin Team - Offense

If you haven’t read our first edition of #TourSauce – 

 – Check it out before continuing. You won’t regret it.

Now that you’ve mastered The Club Twirl, The Rehearsal, and The Interview, you’re ready to bump your game up a couple notches. No, not just the occasional top 25 in third tier events. I’m getting you primed for majors, fat overseas appearance fees, and Ryder Cup spots: a true 

. It’s time to show off how much #TourSauce you have. It’s time for Part II.

You show up in your metal spikes to the local muni and your freshly fitted black Nike slacks you just got back from your apparel rep (the seamstress at the strip mall around the corner). It’s 100 degrees and your legs feel like they’re in a greenhouse, but you’re used to it as you don’t even own a pair of shorts anymore. Your attire is scripted by your sponsor, so naturally you’re only wearing one brand.

After heading over to the practice facility your first order of business is demanding that one of the junior golfers come over and toss you range balls one by one while you work through your strict warm-up regimen (purposefully bashing drivers over the net that cuts in down the right side at about 240 yards). After the assistant club pro comes out and calls a ceasefire (not the first time you’ve had a dust-up with this scrub), you’re off to the first tee, where you announce what type of ball you’re playing and how it’s marked, as if you need to differentiate it from your playing partner, a 30-handicap using a yellow ball. It’s time to show that you’ve diversified your tour pro repertoire. Show us your #TourSauce!

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