Rickie Fowler is seated at a round table, feet perched up over the table top as he leans back in his chair, wondering aloud into a snapchat filter why he’s been called into this super secret meeting in the banquet room at The Woods Jupiter. The details on the e-vite were vague, and the title of “Scared Straight” has made him wonder if Tiger’s going to play clips of his 2015 season. He’s joined by the entire new Nike Golf gang, fresh off their Monday evening rollout of their sponsor’s new fashion line:
Today Nike launched the new apparel and footwear line for the year. IT IS AWESOME. #nikegolf #EnjoyTheChase pic.twitter.com/gfqBga9ZdK
— Tony Finau Golf (@tonyfinaugolf) February 16, 2016
“This better not be a task force meeting,” says Fowler.
“What are we even doing here, man?” quips Scott Pinckney.
“Something doesn’t feel right,” says Tony Finau.
Just as the crew was beginning to get restless, a large feline wearing a suspiciously tight short sleeve mock turtleneck bursts through the door, and violently smacks Fowler’s hi-tops off the desk.
“Boy, get yo DAMN feet off my desk! We about to find out how how tough you really are!” yells the Big Cat as he gets in Fowler’s face.
The entrance is met mostly with eye rolls as the youngsters barely look up from their phones. Tiger turns his attention to Brooks Koepka, and grabs him by the shirt.”
“You see this right here!? You see this?? DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M WEARING?! This is a SHORT SLEEVE mock turtleneck!! I actually tried to push these!! I won a mother f*#$king GREEN Jacket in one of these!! You think this is a game!?!? I can’t even frame a picture of the ’05 Masters!! Look at this shirt!! It’s only functional purpose is to cover up a hickey!! And they tried to sell these things for $90 a pop!!”
The mood of the room starts to change, as “the fear” becomes palpable. But Koepka’s not ready to back down.
“How are we supposed to learn fashion from you? Don’t you still wear cargo shorts?”
“Yeah, and those jeans!” pipes Patrick Rodgers from the back.
“Oh so you think you grown!? You think you got the whole game figured out!? You think it’s just me?! We’ve ALL been there. This ain’t no game, Patty. Brooksy. This is real f*&^king life!”
“He’s right!” booms a voice as the hinges come off a side door on the opposite side of the room. In strides the 45 year old left hander like a buoyant Vince McMahon, rocking the same skin tight mock turtleneck that the Cat is wearing.
The room is a balmy 75 degrees, but Phil’s nipples still somehow poke Jamie Lovemark in the back of the neck as he tries to squeeze through to come to Tiger’s side.
“I thought this was a good idea at the time! But look at me now! How f*&#king dumb do I look!?”
“Chill man, we’re not wearing mock turtlenecks. They’re just joggers, they’re coo-” interjects an uninspired Fowler, only to be interrupted by another bold entrance.
“OH YOU THINK IT’S JUST THE TURTLENECKS!?” declares Jim Furyk as he appears in his mid-2000’s button up short sleeve shirt.
“I thought I looked cool! Turns out I looked like a dad who was still wearing Hawaiian shirts two months after his vacation, except his wife made him tuck it in for a family picture!” yells the Five Hour Energy spokesman.
Furyk gets down on a knee to roast Fowler.
“Where’s the flood!?!? Huh?!? Where’s the water!?!? I ain’t tryin to see your ankles!!!”
“Look, we been there. You don’t wanna make the same mistakes we made. There ain’t no coming back from this. Remember the pleated pants?” says Tiger.
“How do I explain to my kids why I wore a shirt that shows off the exact depth of my belly button!?” yells Phil.
“His kids Evan, Sophia, and Amanda, and his wife Amy,” says Jim Nantz as he climbs in through the window wearing this tie:
“You think I like wearing a tie that looks like a clown that went through a paper shredder!? Freddie defriended me on Facebook because I had this as my profile pic. Speaking of clowns, let’s bring in our next guest,” demands Nantz, looking at a camera that doesn’t exist.
“LOOK AT THESE PANTS!! YOU THINK THESE ARE COOL!?!?”
“Ian you wore those yesterd-” Koepka says.
“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN I’M TALKING!!”
“Yeah those are currently on sale on your webs-” says Rodgers.
“OK, OK, maybe he’s not the best example of someone that has learned from past mistakes,” says Phil as he physically removes Poulter from the room.
“Rickie, every kid in the world tries to dress like you. And you Nike guys, this is my brand I’m tryin to protect! Let this be a lesson to you! You’ve been….,” Tiger pauses as he pulls his shades from his tight turtleneck collar.
“Scared straight. Now get outta my restaurant. I gotta talk to Spieth about his belts.”