It’s draft day. Here’s a look at who’s in the PGA Pigskin Team War Room. In case you missed last year’s squad, check out:
Head Ball Coach – Freddie Couples – Clad in an oversized visor and baggy polo, the HBC has the air of a CEO and exudes the confidence necessary to lead this band of warriors. Never gets too high or too low, Couples is in it for the long grind of the season. He stays out of the weeds of playcalling, opting to focus strictly on dialing up ballsy fakes, working officials, and wooing the media. He’s the face of the program, and a recruiting heavyweight. Definite concerns persist about his philosophies on practice so he’ll need some taskmasters under him to light the candle.
Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks Coach – Jason Dufner – The Duff’s love of Auburn football is inescapable. A master strategist on the course, this approach to the golf game will translate well. Personnel oriented play-caller, expect him to establish a downhill rushing attack with Woodland and sprinkle in well-placed play-action and WR screens to free up DJ and Sergio in the vertical passing game (our GM demands that we get real vertical). He shows zero emotion with the headset on up in the booth, the kind of coach players hate to ‘disappoint.’ Head Ball Coach may struggle to match competing offers in the offseason. Have to acknowledge that concerns exist as to whether our QB1 FIGJAM Mickelson is too stationary for Dufner’s style, based on his unabashed love for JFF and other mobile signalcallers. #DecidedSchematicAdvantage.
Defensive Coordinator – Stewart Cink – Stew plays golf about as defensively as anyone possibly could, making him a subject matter expert. Knowledgable football fan who has watched enough Georgia Tech football to know what NOT to do on defense. With the right staff around him and an emphasis on consistent preparation can capitalize on opponent’s mistakes (see: British open win) and pushes the envelope just enough to get inside foes’ heads (see: Heritage Classic victory over Ted Purdy).
Offensive Assistant Coach – Vijay Singh – The Big Fijian is a student, a utility guy who’s a plug and play on the staff and can coach up the intricacies of the O-Line. He’s the definition of a Grinder (Gruden would love this guy), and he’s not scared to fight the odds (see pending lawsuit with Finchy). This type of outspoken leadership in the locker-room is exactly what we need, he’s not afraid to be the bad guy. Definite candidate to assist with the strength and conditioning program (more on that later) and provide our guys acces to the proper “supplements.”
Defensive Assistant Coach – Jerry Pate – “The Volcano” is a welcome addition to the staff, known for his intensity and volatility and serves as a nice counterbalance to Coach BoomBoom. These traits will come in handy when working the Zebras and motivating The Corps if they’re sluggish in practice. Pate’s also an Alabama alum and will no doubt lean on the philosophies of Crimson Tide Head Coach “The Nicktator” for his defensive schemes.
Special Teams Coach – Fred Funk – The FunkMan holds a degree in law enforcement (huge asset for dealing with any miscreants on the roster), boasts six years of collegiate coaching experience, and even boxed for awhile growing up. Special teams is all about making the most of what you’ve got and turning it into a consistent product – that’s what Fred Funk’s career’s been about. No doubt he’ll excel in chumming it up with the rest of the staff, as well.
“Get Back” Coach – Bubba Watson – He’s essentially a graduate assistant that nobody wants around but everyone has to put up with because his dad (Ping) contributes heavily to the program. His wet-blanket personality is put to good use as the ball spotter in practice and the “get-back coach” during games – that guy who’s always killing the sideline vibe but gets the full wrath of the HBC when The Zebras issue the inevitable sideline warning. Coach Bubba is also tasked with setting up the water station at practice and doing bed checks during road games.
Strength and Conditioning Coach – Stevie Williams – The guy pisses intensity each morning, eats his own dog food (he’s a specimen), and is a proven motivator of champions. He ensures the ‘moxy’ stays high during team workouts and has no problem going toe to toe with a yoked-out Woodland or Westwood in the off-season. And no cameras will be allowed in the weight room. Ever.
FRONT OFFICE & SUPPORT STAFF
Owner – Greg Norman – The Shark is looking to add a professional sports franchise to his ever-expanding empire – could there be a more obvious choice than this team? He’s intimidating, polished, wealthy, and well-connected, all traits of a successful owner. The cross-branding opportunities are endless.
General Manager – Steve Spurrier – In a previous life Spurrier played on the PGATour, so the Shark takes a flier on the OBC and makes GodFather offer that includes lifetime exemptions into the Pebble Pro-Am. Spurrier’s gonna lean on Duf to pitch the ball around and hang half-a-hundred. His primary responsibility will be buying the groceries and making sure this thing runs like a well-oiled machine. Based on this footage, he’s also well-qualified to help out with the physio program.
CFO – Jim Thorpe – Not afraid to take risks, as evidenced by his steadfast refusal to balance a check book and pay income taxes. This should translate well when it comes to avoiding the luxury tax and structuring trades. He’ll help Spurrier take the restrictor plates off this franchise and pump some extra capital into the operation. Gains immediate respect of players when mistaken for Olympic Champion Jim Thorpe (1.0). Felony rap sheet a concern – Spurrier had to pull some strings with the commissioner to make the hire, but as Thorpe always says, ‘YOU GOT TO BE BOLD BABY!!!!’
Internal Audit – Padraig Harrington – Padraig’s background as an accountant will be pay huge dividends in this role, as he’ll have his work cut out for him keeping our CFO in check. We needed a strong guy in this spot and Padraig does just that (added bonus that he’s also our kicker, so that saves us some money). Padraig also brings his good buddy JP McManus into the fold (but firmly in the shadows) for all sorts of “side projects.”
Team Trainer – Gary Player – When he’s not congratulating players via twitter, he’s scolding others on their eating habits. If you’ve ever heard him speak (or been within a football field of him), he’ll remind you that he does 1,000 sit-ups a day and can still drive it 400 yards at his age of 90 (might be slight exaggerations). Regardless, this is the guy we want setting the nutrition regimen and nursing these guys back to health. Mr. Player is also an expert on all things travel related and runs the logistics of the operation.
Head Groundskeeper – Louis Oosthuizen – Louie cares more about his turf than anyone on tour, so this is a natural choice. We’ll buy him the big boy tractor and let him do his thing, no questions asked.