#TourSauceFeatures

#TourSauce: How to Act Like a Tour Pro, Part IV

You’ve read #TourSauce Part I. You’ve read Part II. You’ve even read Part III. You’ve seen the hashtag on twitter. And just when you thought the game couldn’t get any more real, eight months later, we’re finally ready to bring you #TourSauce, Part IV. Although we haven’t served the sauce in what seems like ages, we’ve been keeping the pot stirring just waiting for it to reach the right temperature.

Even the most amateur #TourSauce advocate has mastered “The Hat Tip” and “The Crowd Wave.” I’ve even seen some moves from the game’s elite, ranging from “The Family Move” and “The Chase.” As we’ve already named 45 different ways to take your game to the truly elite level represented by tour pros, we’re really grasping here to expand the list. Nonetheless, here we go:

The Pre-Round Tweet

With this comes the (incorrect) assumption that your followers are dying to know just how excited you are for your round tomorrow. The tour pro masters this move in two ways:

1. Make sure to tag the tournament’s official twitter handle.

2. Use of at least one exclamation point!

You can pull this off by tagging the official twitter of your local muni (doesn’t matter if they don’t have one) and using one exclamation point for every birdie you plan on making.

The Scripting Tweet

You’ve got a big match coming up this weekend. Your sponsor has got your A-game outfit picked out. Time to let the followers know what you’ll be rocking, because they can’t possibly wait until your 18th hole selfie to see what you’re rocking from head to toe. Only rule here is that it must all be the same brand, because of course the sponsor is paying you an undisclosed amount to be reppin them for your 138 instagram followers.

The Caddie Umbrella

A true favorite of mine. The rain is coming down at a steady pace. You’ve got the rain gloves out, every emergency towel in use keeping the driver’s seat of your cart dry, and you’re doing all you can to avoid “water on the clubface, bro.” The oversized Titleist umbrella is opened, and Mary Poppins is admiring how much use you’re getting out of that thing. Your partner can’t handle the conditions, so he’s in his pocket after three straight chunks. You pass him the umbrella to hold over you as you address your putt, only to have him move away at the last second.

US Open Golf

The Putter Wipe

This can be used with or without the rain. After you finished your practice strokes while standing over your eight footer, you need to clean the face from the incredible filth that inevitably built up while you were swiping at the air for 2.8 seconds.

Stricker Putter Wipe

But despite your smooth putter face, you miss. Now you need to let everyone know which side of the hole you missed on…

The Missed Putt Point

Literally, everyone around the green, and everyone watching on television saw the same exact thing that you saw. They saw your ball magically break down the slope of the green. Gravity can be cruel, I know. But despite the fact that everyone just saw your miss, you need to let them all know that you also saw which direction it went. Be sure to turn to your playing partner to subtly let them know that they should have seen the putt breaking that way, and that it couldn’t have been all your fault.

Missed Putt Point

The Club’s Fault

If you failed to execute the putter wipe noted above, then you can always go with this option for a missed putt, or for any other shot. Make it clear that something went wrong with the club your caddie gave you. That’s the only way to possibly explain your chunk.

The Turf Blame

Another shot goes horribly wrong. You’ve already blamed the rain, your caddie, gravity, and your club, so you’re left with only the turf to blame. Sherlock Holmes in his prime would be jealous of the detective work you’re doing on the piece of sod you just laid over the ball. Is this Kentucky Bluegrass or quicksand? Is there a gopher under there tearing up the roots? Are we going to have to get Carl Spackler on this?

The Pre-Shot No Club Rehearsal

You’ve got yourself in the slightest bit of trouble in the rough on the right. There are a few trees in the vicinity, but it’s time to show just how creative you are. The best way to do this is to practice your swing without a club to make sure the club won’t hit any trees. Make sure you look around for every possible option, but to save some energy (or something), don’t pull the club out until the last possible minute.

Tiger Rehearsal

The Snack

Big Steve is headed straight to the halfway house for a hot dog, some chips, and a PBR tall boy at the turn. You’re a tour pro, so you load up on bottled water, and reach into your pantry oversized staff bag to get out your homemade PB&J, a banana, and maybe even some Kingmade Jerky.

Poulter Banana

The Sand Tap

You’ve blasted out of the greenside trap to about five feet. Routine, really. The 30 groups of hacks in front of you have been digging their way out of that trap all day long, and the green’s surface between the bunker and the pin has enough sand on it that any guy or girl with a tattoo would immediately want to hang out here. If this was your mom’s house, you wouldn’t even think of cleaning off your kicks. But rather than contribute to this emerging beach, you make sure to tap the 3 grains of sand off your shoes before entering the freshly aerated putting surface.
Sand Tap

The Pant Leg Tug

You’ve rolled in your 8 footer for par, and casually gave the crowd your standard wave. It’s an 80 degree day, but you’re wearing your European fit pants. Rather than risk tearing a hole in them with an overzealous reach for your Titleist in the bottom of the cup, you make sure to hike up that right pant leg before stepping toward the hole. Be sure to tap down your spike mark as you walk away as well.

Nicklaus Pant Tug

The Injury

Another wayward shot – your fourth of the day! Something has to be terribly wrong. You’ve set the scene earlier about the back problems you’ve been having (too much time with the physio). So when you really yank one OB, you’ve had enough. You can either go with “The Sniper Hit Me From the Trees” or the “WWE takedown.” The key is you need to hit the turf harder than Lebron when he gets pinched. Time to get the pro out here to cart you back into the clubhouse.

tigerhurtThe Stare Down

Your 9 iron is headed straight for the flag. You need to give it the ultimate stare down to make sure it doesn’t sail more than a foot off line.

The Courtesy Journey

Somehow you missed your 20 foot birdie putt (“It broke THAT way!?”). You’ve gotta tap in your par, but you can never be too careful with your playing partner’s line, and through line. You go ridiculously far out of your way to tap in your putt that your buddies conceded to you already, but you just have to hear that sound of the ball rattling in the cup.

10.30.14-rose-long-journey(A lot of hat tips here. Of course to Adam Sarson for the GIF’s, and to Chris Gengler, TwoInchesShort, Neil Davis, and Dave Kateeb. Also thanks to anyone else that sent in ideas… gotta save some for part V!)

 

About the Author

Inventor of #TourSauce, always waits for the green to clear, and club twirl savant.

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